Friday, July 11, 2014

100 Days Project

It has been a tough couple of years. Not because of any outside circumstances - those are all wonderful, shamefully so - but because of me, and the idiosyncracies of my brain. When creative work isn't going well, I feel stunted and stammering and hobbled. It seeps out into everything else and makes it all a little off-kilter. Of course, the opposite is true as well - when work is going well, everything is magical. But it hasn't been going well for a while now.

If I had just followed my instincts and written the book without doubting myself, I would have something whole and developed now. Here come some metaphors. If I hadn't kept on opening the oven and poking at it, it would be baked by now. If I had just let myself say everything I wanted to say, it wouldn't be the stuttering thing it is.

I feel like the absolute least qualified person to be running my life. I should be in some kind of entry-level position, not in charge of the whole damn thing. I feel like I did when I started a new job and had to pretend to be competent while inwardly wobbling into a pile of pink, jellied uncertainty.


All that to say that I am struggling at the moment with writing past my self-doubt, panic and feelings of inadequacy. Hence my signing up for the 100 Days project.

I am going to write 1,000 words a day for 100 days. I already aim for this amount daily, but I end up fiddling about and editing and second-guessing myself, so for this project I want to sit down and just write until I have reached the quota - whether on Current Book, Side Project That Seems Terribly Appealing When Current Book Isn't Going Well, or Something Entirely Different. I hope that this will help me to push through all the self-doubt. Exposure therapy, sort of.

Here goes.

1 comment:

sinistrainksteyne said...

The thing about inward pink jellied uncertainty (love that phrase!) is that it's inward - so you can't tell if everyone else is jellied too. Or as a friend used to tell me, never compare your insides with someone else's outsides.

When it comes to writing, I tend to doubt that the finished product will be worth all the effort. But I think God is trying to teach me that what matters is that I do the work I've been given, not how that results.
It's a hard lesson to learn, but I think I'm starting to make progress...