It has been a tough couple of years. Not because of any outside circumstances - those are all wonderful, shamefully so - but because of me, and the idiosyncracies of my brain. When creative work isn't going well, I feel stunted and stammering and hobbled. It seeps out into everything else and makes it all a little off-kilter. Of course, the opposite is true as well - when work is going well, everything is magical. But it hasn't been going well for a while now.
If I had just followed my instincts and written the book without doubting myself, I would have something whole and developed now. Here come some metaphors. If I hadn't kept on opening the oven and poking at it, it would be baked by now. If I had just let myself say everything I wanted to say, it wouldn't be the stuttering thing it is.
I feel like the absolute least qualified person to be running my life. I should be in some kind of entry-level position, not in charge of the whole damn thing. I feel like I did when I started a new job and had to pretend to be competent while inwardly wobbling into a pile of pink, jellied uncertainty.
All that to say that I am struggling at the moment with writing past my self-doubt, panic and feelings of inadequacy. Hence my signing up for the 100 Days project.
I am going to write 1,000 words a day for 100 days. I already aim for this amount daily, but I end up fiddling about and editing and second-guessing myself, so for this project I want to sit down and just write until I have reached the quota - whether on Current Book, Side Project That Seems Terribly Appealing When Current Book Isn't Going Well, or Something Entirely Different. I hope that this will help me to push through all the self-doubt. Exposure therapy, sort of.